You Might Not Get Married, And That’s OK

Lately, I’ve been stumbling onto many homemaking niche instagram accounts.

You know the ones.

The pretty pastels, happy kids, spotless white kitchens, moms with full faces of makeup on rambling about their beautiful family in the posts.

I’m not dissing these pages, they’re cute. I’m sure they’re helpful to plenty of expecting and new moms and are sources for encouragement. I’ve even considered following one, but my finger stopped above the follow button…

I looked at those perfectly lit aesthetic pictures, and I felt a bitterness wash over me, and I knew then that it wasn’t healthy for me to see that on my feed. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me to want what wasn’t mine, and that was what I was doing in that moment.

I felt discouraged, not at the thought of not currently having a family, but at the thought of never having one.

Fast-foward a bit, I came across another one, but this one was different.

It was a homemaking page run by a young teen girl and a self-described “future-homemaker”.

I wasn’t sure what to think about it.

On one hand, homemaking is beautiful. I wish the stay-at-home mom life was still looked at as important in today’s culture. I’m glad this young girl sees the beauty, and I’m glad that she wants that for her future.

On one hand, it is important to learn how to keep a home running.

On the other, I didn’t like it because a future that might never be, was shown as her whole identity and purpose, when it’s not.

Marriage is not a right; it’s not promised.

Neither are kids.

Yet, we act like our life is on pause until we get married and have kids.

Why does it seem that there is this unrealistic, “Oh, I just want to skip this stuff and get married and have kids.” As if that’s when the credits roll as you ride off into the sunset, into a happy ending? Forget the part where life goes on and continues to be stressful and hard work in different ways.

My dad tells me this story about how he and his roommate had a calendar in college, and they would celebrate the end of each day by crossing another day off with a red pen.

“You’re counting your life away,” someone remarked to my dad once.

My dad said he never understood that remark until years later when he looked up and realized that he had done that.

We all are guilty of doing that, especially in this area.

It’s always when I meet someone, then I’ll-

When I get engaged, then I’ll-

When I get married, then I’ll-

When I have children, then I’ll-

What about the “now’s“?

Now, I’ll-

There are so many opportunities to serve God and others now.

There are so many things you can do now that you won’t be able to do if (or when) you get married and have kids.

You have a life and a purpose now.

“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.”-Ecclesiastes 12:13

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”-Thessalonians 5:11

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”-Matthew 5:16

“Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:

Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.”-Matthew 28:19-20

Your purpose will never be found in a significant other, marriage, kids, grandchildren, etc. Your purpose is found in Christ and you can live your life for Him now.

I’m not writing this to be a feminist or take away from the beauty and importance of marriage and the home, I’m simply here to tell you to stop wasting your time pining for a season you’re not in yet.

Enjoy the spring when it’s spring.

Enjoy the summer when it’s summer.

Enjoy the autumn when it’s autumn.

Enjoy the winter when it’s winter.

Enjoy being single while you’re single.

Enjoy the now.

Every season has its pros and cons.

I pray that we both find good, godly people to marry one day, but if not and if this season decides to stick around, we’ll be ok.

I’m not sure if I’m talking to you or myself in this post. I guess it’s a bit of both, but we have got to stop waiting for and idolizing the next thing–whether it be graduating high school, a major, a career, a relationship, marriage, a job promotion etc.–and we have to start focusing on what we can do now for God and for others, and what we can learn now.

“Come now, you who say, โ€œToday or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profitโ€; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, โ€œIf the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.โ€’-James 4:13-15

I might not get married.

You might not get married.

I’m not writing this to be discouraging or pessimistic, but simply to tell you and myself that it’s ok.

Your value as a person and as a child of God is not depended on a relationship status.

Your identity will never be found in a significant other; it is found in Christ.

Marriage is not going to solve your problems. You will be disappointed if you put that much expectation on another human.

God has not promised us marriage, and that’s ok.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be guilty of seeking after a relationship more than God.

Dear reader, you might not get married, and that’s ok.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart
 And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in God in this time of uncertainty, acknowledge Him and His purpose for you even when you cannot see the big picture and can’t understand all of the “why’s” in life.

No one said that this life would be easy and that all our dreams would come true. All we can do is pick up our cross and follow Him, no matter the season we are in.

“And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.  He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.”-Matthew 10:38-39

Coffee Dates: Are You a Morning Person?

Coffee Dates: Are You a Morning Person?

It’s been a while since I’ve written one of these, it’s also been a while since I’ve posted. To be honest, I’ve been a bit stressed which results in me freezing up when it comes to things to post and words to write.

I get the most anxious at night, I come home and suddenly I’m just hit with this wave of loneliness and feelings of hopelessness, even when I’ve had a good evening out with friends.

Everything seems ten times worse at night, maybe that’s one of the reasons why I’m no longer a night person, but a morning one.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. โ€œThe LORD is my portion,โ€ says my soul, โ€œtherefore I will hope in him.โ€ -Lamentations 3:22โ€“24

I love mornings because they are new, they’re a reminder that we have been granted more time to be the people we ought to be because we aren’t promised another day.

โ€œThe LORD is my portion,โ€ says my soul, โ€œtherefore I will hope in him.โ€

In this life of uncertainty, God’s love is certain, and I will hope in Him.

I will hope in Him even when all hope seems lost.

I will hope in Him even when I wake up to a chaotic world full of sickness, death, failure, and grief because I know that His love never fails.

And you can hope in Him too.

I’ve had the playful argument of “sunrises vs. sunsets”, and I’ll always be on the side of sunrises, even if I’m not always awake for them.

Last year, I would watch the sunrise every Friday as I drove to my co-op.

I remember one morning it was raining and cold and I was driving down the freeway as the sun rising finally broke through the clouds, and suddenly, things weren’t so deary anymore. I saw that the grass was green from the rain, I watched as creation woke up to show evidence of God another day, as the sunrise proved that He is the best artist ever overhead.

I love the morning because, in the stillness, I remember so many of His words.

“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.”-Psalm 46:10

In the stillness, I remember the hope that there is to find in Him, and that hope doesn’t waver even after long, anxious nights.

“For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”-Proverbs 30:5

Maybe you’re like me, and maybe you have hard nights at times.

Maybe you tossed and turned in your bed, as anxious thoughts battled for your attention in your head.

Maybe you feel asleep with a feeling of hopelessness in your chest.

Wake up now. Wash the sleep out of your eyes. Wait for a second before thinking about the busyness of today.

Be still.

Hope in Him.

Find joy in Him.

God is good and today is new.

“Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.

 Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies;
In You I take shelter.
Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Your Spirit is good.
Lead me in the land of uprightness.” –
Psalm 143:8-10

Are you a morning person?
What reminds you of the truth?

Making a List: Why You Need To Know Your Standards

My mom said I should write this post to show people that it’s ok and important to have standards when it comes to dating and what type of person you want to be interested in, I’ve put it off however because it felt like a silly thing to write.

While I still feel a bit self-conscious putting this out there, I’ve thought about it and decided it was a good thing to do because people sometimes misunderstand what I mean by having standards. There are people who are going to settle for less, and making sure you choose a person who is going to help you get to heaven, and you can represent the relationship with Christ and the church with is important.

Standards are great! However, let’s be honest, it’s easy to let them slip for some people.

We can get distracted by beauty, by flowery words, or just simply by the fact that someone finally likes us back, and suddenly whether or not someone is a strong Christian or has any of the same life goals as you doesn’t seem so important anymore… but it still is.

Two years ago at camp, they had the girls and the boys write a list of things they were looking for in a future partner, this was after studying men and women of the Bible and their good and negative characteristics.

Overall, people wrote down really good things, although there was a rumor that one boy missed the point and just put “blonde” and “pretty” on his.

I still have my list, I recently updated it because I keep learning about what I don’t want in a relationship which also helps me realize what I do want in the future.

I’ve used that list since then.

One time, my siblings didn’t understand why I didn’t like a guy back, and I let them pull out my list and go through it and add a check to each of the traits he had… he scored 2 out of 13, and my siblings suddenly understood why I didn’t like him back when they saw that he wasn’t what I needed.

What do I have on my list?

-A strong Christian. My list is pretty short compared to a lot of people’s I’ve seen, but that’s because I group things under one thing, so when I say strong Christian, I’m also thinking of a lot of traits strong Christians have like: evangelistic, studies their Bible daily, prays daily if not more (hopefully more), looks for ways to serve, involved in their congregation, respectful of parents and biblical authority figures, faithful, etc. 

-A leader. I’m looking for a someone that will be a spiritual leader in our future home, that’s very important to me as someone who is working on being the type of girl that can be led and can submit in the biblical way (Ephesians 5:22) so I’m not going to put myself under the leadership of someone who I don’t think is a leader or is fit to be one.

-Honest/above reproach. 1 Timothy 3:2

-Driven/will be able to support a family. I want to have kids, to home school, and be able to provide them a good education with good opportunities so it’s important to me to find someone that is driven enough to finish school, get a good job, and to work hard with me to support and raise our kids. 

-Goal-oriented. 

-Socially adept (or at least strives to be). I am an introvert, but it’s really important to me to be a friendly one, so I always try to push myself to get out there and talk to people. The problem is when I meet other introverted guys who aren’t trying, and then I look up and they’re keeping me in a corner at events and I don’t want that. I need someone that I can get out there and work on being more social with, not someone that is going to hold me back with them. 

-Wants to homeschool. 

-Kind to everyone, especially children. 

-Will be a good father figure. 

-Dependable. 

-A protector and provider. 

-Is introspective. 

-Someone I can grow as a Christian and a person with. 

Before I go on, I’d like to take a second and address the double standard that often happens when making lists like these… don’t be a hypocrite, if you want a strong Christian, you better be a strong Christian yourself. 

Let’s say that I was super arrogant and prideful and then I started saying that I would only date guys if they had the utmost humility and the meekest demeanor, that would be a bit hypocritical, right? People would look at me and think “Wow, she needs to look in the mirror and realize the double standard she’s setting in her mind.” Because here I am expecting people to date me, when I wouldn’t even date someone like me, the same goes for personality and other characteristics.

I can’t be super prideful and then put humble on my list of “must-haves”, that’s just bad logic because then I need to look into the mirror and realize that I wouldn’t even date myself.

I think that’s an important question to ask, am I the type of person that the person I’m looking for would want to date? 

And if your answer to that is no, then you have much more important things to think about and work on than finding a significant other. 

I want to date a strong Christian, however, would a strong Christian want to date me? I can’t be worldly and expect to catch the attention of a strong Christian when in reality no strong Christians would date a worldly girl. 

Back at camp that year, a similar statement was made to us:

“If you want a Boaz, you first got to be a Ruth.”

That’s true, and vice versa.

I’d encourage you to make a list of your own!

-Read Ruth and write down all of the characteristics of both Boaz and Ruth.

-Read and Proverbs 31, 1 Timothy 2:9-15, and Ephesians 5: 22-33 to check yourself.

-Really think about what’s really important to you and what you can’t settle on.

What’s on your list?