Hi to whoever reads this blog, with my recent anniversary of becoming a Christian, my birthday, and then New Years coming up, I wanted to write something profound.
Unfortunately, I’m really not a profound or deep kind of person.
A while back, someone told me that my blog posts were pretty basic and surface level, and that they were just Facebook posts in disguise. At the time, that really bothered me. I know I’m not a scholar, a philosopher, or even a writer, but I do try in my own way to do some good, even if it’s as small as a five hundred word ramble on prayer. It took me some time to realize that I don’t want this blog to be formal, I don’t want to seem like I know everything when I don’t. I’m not a preacher, these are not my sermons. I’m not a teacher, these are not my lessons.
I need to stop trying to be something I’m not.
I’m a person who believes that sharing your heart with others and being genuine is powerful, even if it’s what others call simple.
I am simple, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I want this to be a space for the few who find it and want to stay, a place where I not only share my thoughts but a spot on the internet where others can read them and know they’re not alone.
I don’t want this blog to make me seem perfect and put-together, I am a seventeen-year-old girl, you’re not going to get that, and I’m not going to pretend to be that.
So, here I am with my surface level thoughts in the form of Facebook posts, take me or leave me.
Now, since that’s out of the way, here’s what I want to write today because all this talk of growing up and moving has made me think about my family and my relationship with my siblings:
As much as I hate to admit it, I have learned that to love is to be vulnerable. Loving is opening your arms again and again, even though you have been stabbed in the chest before. To love is to understand the inevitability of a person hurting you and still pulling them close because it’s worth it, they’re worth it.
When I was younger, one of my biggest fears was that my siblings would stop loving me. I would worry that one day I would say something so mean in anger that when I apologized they wouldn’t forgive me, that one day they would realize that I was a terrible older sister and that they deserved someone so much better than I could ever be.
“Do you want his boots under your table in the future?”
My mom always asks me this when my little brother and I bicker, “Do you want him to be in your life in the future, Grace? “
I always feared that my siblings would stand up from their spots at my future table and walk out my front door, never to return, leaving nothing but the ghosts of their absence and what should have been. I still fear that.
Thankfully, I think my brother and my other siblings are some of the most forgiving people, because they always welcome me back with open arms, even though we all know that it’s only a matter of time before we hurt each other again and repeat the process. I pray that never changes for both sides. I pray that love is always winning over hurt and bitterness.
As strange as it may seem, I see God’s relationship with us reflected so much in my relationship with my siblings.
“I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.”-Isaiah 43:25
“In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace; Wherein he hath abounded toward us in all wisdom and prudence…”-Ephesians 1:7-8
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”-1 John 1:9
Just like with my siblings, I’m so glad that God always welcomes us back with open arms.
I’m so glad He is good and loving, unlike I would be if I were Him.
“I’m sorry, but I see a pattern with you and these kind of mistakes…”
“You’re constantly getting your priorities mixed up in some way again, how do you expect me to believe that you’re more than just talk?”
“You always let me down and disappoint me, I can’t do this 24/7.”
“You’re toxic. All you do is bring me down.”
“It’s over, leave. You can’t be that sorry when you keep making similar mistakes.”
“I can’t forgive this, and I certainly can’t forget it.”
“I can’t believe that I let my only son suffer and die for you.”
“Grace, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. You are not worth the pain of loving.”
I’m grateful that God isn’t like that. No matter how much I deserve death, He has gifted me with life.
Because God doesn’t just want “His boots under my table now and in the future”, He wants me at His for eternity.
“For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who gave Himself a ransom for all…”-1 Timothy 2:3-6
I am constantly brought to my knees emotionally at the thought that God looked at us and the price He would have to pay to save us from our sins and thought we were worth it.
Two days ago, I hit the two-year mark for when I was baptized into Christ, and still, I feel so humbled at the fact that I am here and can call myself a child of God.
The Creator of the world knows me, even better than my parents and siblings who have been around me every day for my whole life and for years. He knows me and all of my shortcomings and all of my past mistakes. He’s seen the ugliest parts of me, He knew about them before they even developed, and yet, He loves me.
I would understand if He saw me as a constant disappointment, but He sees me as chosen, worthy, capable of bringing glory to Him, and He makes me want to work even harder to be all those things and more.
He continues to forgive me and welcome me back.
I thank God for that, just like I thank Him that my loved ones are more like Him than I would probably be in their shoes.