Making a List: Why You Need To Know Your Standards

My mom said I should write this post to show people that it’s ok and important to have standards when it comes to dating and what type of person you want to be interested in, I’ve put it off however because it felt like a silly thing to write.

While I still feel a bit self-conscious putting this out there, I’ve thought about it and decided it was a good thing to do because people sometimes misunderstand what I mean by having standards. There are people who are going to settle for less, and making sure you choose a person who is going to help you get to heaven, and you can represent the relationship with Christ and the church with is important.

Standards are great! However, let’s be honest, it’s easy to let them slip for some people.

We can get distracted by beauty, by flowery words, or just simply by the fact that someone finally likes us back, and suddenly whether or not someone is a strong Christian or has any of the same life goals as you doesn’t seem so important anymore… but it still is.

Two years ago at camp, they had the girls and the boys write a list of things they were looking for in a future partner, this was after studying men and women of the Bible and their good and negative characteristics.

Overall, people wrote down really good things, although there was a rumor that one boy missed the point and just put “blonde” and “pretty” on his.

I still have my list, I recently updated it because I keep learning about what I don’t want in a relationship which also helps me realize what I do want in the future.

I’ve used that list since then.

One time, my siblings didn’t understand why I didn’t like a guy back, and I let them pull out my list and go through it and add a check to each of the traits he had… he scored 2 out of 13, and my siblings suddenly understood why I didn’t like him back when they saw that he wasn’t what I needed.

What do I have on my list?

-A strong Christian. My list is pretty short compared to a lot of people’s I’ve seen, but that’s because I group things under one thing, so when I say strong Christian, I’m also thinking of a lot of traits strong Christians have like: evangelistic, studies their Bible daily, prays daily if not more (hopefully more), looks for ways to serve, involved in their congregation, respectful of parents and biblical authority figures, faithful, etc. 

-A leader. I’m looking for a someone that will be a spiritual leader in our future home, that’s very important to me as someone who is working on being the type of girl that can be led and can submit in the biblical way (Ephesians 5:22) so I’m not going to put myself under the leadership of someone who I don’t think is a leader or is fit to be one.

-Honest/above reproach. 1 Timothy 3:2

-Driven/will be able to support a family. I want to have kids, to home school, and be able to provide them a good education with good opportunities so it’s important to me to find someone that is driven enough to finish school, get a good job, and to work hard with me to support and raise our kids. 

-Goal-oriented. 

-Socially adept (or at least strives to be). I am an introvert, but it’s really important to me to be a friendly one, so I always try to push myself to get out there and talk to people. The problem is when I meet other introverted guys who aren’t trying, and then I look up and they’re keeping me in a corner at events and I don’t want that. I need someone that I can get out there and work on being more social with, not someone that is going to hold me back with them. 

-Wants to homeschool. 

-Kind to everyone, especially children. 

-Will be a good father figure. 

-Dependable. 

-A protector and provider. 

-Is introspective. 

-Someone I can grow as a Christian and a person with. 

Before I go on, I’d like to take a second and address the double standard that often happens when making lists like these… don’t be a hypocrite, if you want a strong Christian, you better be a strong Christian yourself. 

Let’s say that I was super arrogant and prideful and then I started saying that I would only date guys if they had the utmost humility and the meekest demeanor, that would be a bit hypocritical, right? People would look at me and think “Wow, she needs to look in the mirror and realize the double standard she’s setting in her mind.” Because here I am expecting people to date me, when I wouldn’t even date someone like me, the same goes for personality and other characteristics.

I can’t be super prideful and then put humble on my list of “must-haves”, that’s just bad logic because then I need to look into the mirror and realize that I wouldn’t even date myself.

I think that’s an important question to ask, am I the type of person that the person I’m looking for would want to date? 

And if your answer to that is no, then you have much more important things to think about and work on than finding a significant other. 

I want to date a strong Christian, however, would a strong Christian want to date me? I can’t be worldly and expect to catch the attention of a strong Christian when in reality no strong Christians would date a worldly girl. 

Back at camp that year, a similar statement was made to us:

“If you want a Boaz, you first got to be a Ruth.”

That’s true, and vice versa.

I’d encourage you to make a list of your own!

-Read Ruth and write down all of the characteristics of both Boaz and Ruth.

-Read and Proverbs 31, 1 Timothy 2:9-15, and Ephesians 5: 22-33 to check yourself.

-Really think about what’s really important to you and what you can’t settle on.

What’s on your list?

10 thoughts on “Making a List: Why You Need To Know Your Standards

  1. Great post, Grace! I couldn’t agree more with the points you made and your list of standards. Recently I’ve thought a lot about getting married someday and what I want in a future husband, and one evening when I was working over at our pasture, I was going to put off a job that I knew didn’t have to be done that day, and then I stopped and thought: would I want to marry a guy that put off jobs and said “I’ll do it later” all because he just didn’t want to do it right then? No. On my list have “hard-working”. I so I did that job right then and there.šŸ˜„

    I’m not going to be perfect, but I can at least try to do the right thing. šŸ™‚
    Again, loved this post, Grace. <33

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve seen it suggested in several different places recently to make a list, so I just might now! Thanks for inspiration. I heard a quote recently that said: “Are you the person the person you’re looking for is looking for?” It stuck because it’s so true and such good motivation to draw near to God and prepare oneself. Much love ā™„ļø

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I got to the end of your list and simply laughed and out loud said, “I love this.” My sister who was sitting by me makes a hmm sound in question. What I never noticed until now was I was secretly looking for a family man who could not only support my goals but could chase his and create a loving environment doing it. This post is a super valuable and honest one for all ages to read.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Grace! I just wanted to pop in and say hello since I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve seen you around. I hope you and all your loved ones are doing well ā¤ also, it's so great that you know what you want and are sticking to it. It can be so tempting to let standards slip for people we feel attracted to but know aren't the best people, either for us or in general. I also feel like in society (especially as women), there's often a lot of pressure on us to let our standards slip and just get and be in a relationship. It's 100% okay to be picky and stick to your guns about what you want!! And like you said at the end of your post, knowing what you want + need is so important.

    Best wishes ā¤
    Eleanor

    Liked by 1 person

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