My mom said I should write this post to show people that it’s ok and important to have standards when it comes to dating and what type of person you want to be interested in, I’ve put it off however because it felt like a silly thing to write.
While I still feel a bit self-conscious putting this out there, I’ve thought about it and decided it was a good thing to do because people sometimes misunderstand what I mean by having standards. There are people who are going to settle for less, and making sure you choose a person who is going to help you get to heaven, and you can represent the relationship with Christ and the church with is important.
Standards are great! However, let’s be honest, it’s easy to let them slip for some people.
We can get distracted by beauty, by flowery words, or just simply by the fact that someone finally likes us back, and suddenly whether or not someone is a strong Christian or has any of the same life goals as you doesn’t seem so important anymore… but it still is.
Two years ago at camp, they had the girls and the boys write a list of things they were looking for in a future partner, this was after studying men and women of the Bible and their good and negative characteristics.
Overall, people wrote down really good things, although there was a rumor that one boy missed the point and just put “blonde” and “pretty” on his.
I still have my list, I recently updated it because I keep learning about what I don’t want in a relationship which also helps me realize what I do want in the future.
I’ve used that list since then.
One time, my siblings didn’t understand why I didn’t like a guy back, and I let them pull out my list and go through it and add a check to each of the traits he had… he scored 2 out of 13, and my siblings suddenly understood why I didn’t like him back when they saw that he wasn’t what I needed.
What do I have on my list?
-A strong Christian. My list is pretty short compared to a lot of people’s I’ve seen, but that’s because I group things under one thing, so when I say strong Christian, I’m also thinking of a lot of traits strong Christians have like: evangelistic, studies their Bible daily, prays daily if not more (hopefully more), looks for ways to serve, involved in their congregation, respectful of parents and biblical authority figures, faithful, etc.
-A leader. I’m looking for a someone that will be a spiritual leader in our future home, that’s very important to me as someone who is working on being the type of girl that can be led and can submit in the biblical way (Ephesians 5:22) so I’m not going to put myself under the leadership of someone who I don’t think is a leader or is fit to be one.
-Honest/above reproach. 1 Timothy 3:2
-Driven/will be able to support a family. I want to have kids, to home school, and be able to provide them a good education with good opportunities so it’s important to me to find someone that is driven enough to finish school, get a good job, and to work hard with me to support and raise our kids.
-Socially adept (or at least strives to be). I am an introvert, but it’s really important to me to be a friendly one, so I always try to push myself to get out there and talk to people. The problem is when I meet other introverted guys who aren’t trying, and then I look up and they’re keeping me in a corner at events and I don’t want that. I need someone that I can get out there and work on being more social with, not someone that is going to hold me back with them.
-Wants to homeschool.
-Kind to everyone, especially children.
-Will be a good father figure.
-A protector and provider.
-Someone I can grow as a Christian and a person with.
Before I go on, I’d like to take a second and address the double standard that often happens when making lists like these… don’t be a hypocrite, if you want a strong Christian, you better be a strong Christian yourself.
Let’s say that I was super arrogant and prideful and then I started saying that I would only date guys if they had the utmost humility and the meekest demeanor, that would be a bit hypocritical, right? People would look at me and think “Wow, she needs to look in the mirror and realize the double standard she’s setting in her mind.” Because here I am expecting people to date me, when I wouldn’t even date someone like me, the same goes for personality and other characteristics.
I can’t be super prideful and then put humble on my list of “must-haves”, that’s just bad logic because then I need to look into the mirror and realize that I wouldn’t even date myself.
I think that’s an important question to ask, am I the type of person that the person I’m looking for would want to date?
And if your answer to that is no, then you have much more important things to think about and work on than finding a significant other.
I want to date a strong Christian, however, would a strong Christian want to date me? I can’t be worldly and expect to catch the attention of a strong Christian when in reality no strong Christians would date a worldly girl.
Back at camp that year, a similar statement was made to us:
“If you want a Boaz, you first got to be a Ruth.”
That’s true, and vice versa.
I’d encourage you to make a list of your own!
-Read Ruth and write down all of the characteristics of both Boaz and Ruth.
-Read and Proverbs 31, 1 Timothy 2:9-15, and Ephesians 5: 22-33 to check yourself.
-Really think about what’s really important to you and what you can’t settle on.
What’s on your list?